Chapter 4: Centering

 Pages 43-53, most references and footnotes are excluded here.]

SIVA - ŚAKTI

 REFLEXIONS WITHIN REFLECTIONS

The mandalic expressions which I have presented embody both my primordial experience [prakasa - Siva] as well as their own symbolic visual manifestations [vimarsa - Sakti]. Every time I allow my experiences to expand and amplify my expressions the mandalas carry me into the Spiral of Recognition. I am playfully awakened to the ongoing dance of balancing stillness while centering energies and becoming harmoniously one with renewed or reawakened recognition of wholeness, like a drop of water pierced by a ray of light. It is a circular dance in the spiral which has been aptly captured in the following poem (qtd. by Govinda 1977, 119-120).

The Rhythm of Life

Inhaling I take the world within me, Exhaling I give myself to the world,

Emptied I live within myself - live without self in voidness supreme.

Inhaling I take the world within me, Exhaling I give myself to the world,

Emptied I experience abundance, Formless I fulfill the form.

As the Cosmic-Clown dances with the universe within-beyond me I realize that the rhythm of my expanded, or macro-consciousness [Siva], blends delightfully with my breathing process, or micro-experience [Sakti]. This playful-painful dance of unfolding-enfolding fullness-emptiness [yin-yang] within-beyond my mid-life journey is a symbiotic process which balances reflexive-reflective complementarity with mandalic harmony. With mystical [Siva-Sakti] consciousness as my new center I notice that the rhythm of my breath enables me to travel along a four-fold path: 1. inhaling or breathing in [awakening]; 2. fullness within and beyond [balancing]; 3. exhaling or breathing out [centering]; 4. emptiness within and beyond [delight]. These four movements fascinate me as I continue making ever newer discoveries and connections in the Spiral of Recognition, which is my life here and now.

4.1. LIKE A BROKEN VASE UNFOLDING NEW AWAKENINGS

My first mandala [M1] reveals that at the age of 33 I experienced the shattering and recreation of my life. I visualized myself as a broken vase [VS1] and I recognized the unfolding emptiness enfolded by success. As a young priest I had risen to occupy the highest positions among the Salesians of Don Bosco in the Province of Bombay. In spite of this apparent success as a religious and a priest, I experienced inner restlessness, deep dissatisfaction and enslaving rigidity all of which I have referred to as painful in Chapter 1.

The center of the mandala [M2] of my life at this stage focused on the question, "How is SUCCESS measured?" From the mountain peak of a life lived in obedience and submissiveness to my parents, religious superiors and those in authority, I questioned the external and internal constraints controlling my behavior, capabilities, values and beliefs, in short, my very identity (Dilts 1990, 1). I was no longer the same [DI5].

This prolonged awakening was intimately connected with the image of my God in transition! [DI14] The divinity of Christ within the Trinitarian context as propagated and upheld by the dogmatic Roman Catholic Church was not able to provide the metaphor I looked for as I sought deeper harmony and fuller integration within-beyond religions.

For a long time I've been struggling to see some fusion amidst all the confusion within and without me. Much as I tried, my efforts met with no great realization of any fusion or with the removal of confusion from my life. The traditional beliefs imbibed early in life were inadequate, the recent understanding of dogma confounded me and left me stupified but searching still. As a Christian I looked up to Christ as the answer. YET, He stood as the stumbling block between me and the problems I faced, the confusion I was caught in: -the uniqueness of Christ as the fullness of the individual, humanity and the entire universe; -Christ as the answer to the quest of every religion; -Christ as the head of the Church, an organized religion. (A Pilgrimage to Calvary V1 880413, 880524).

My adventurous journey in search of a satisfactory metaphor for the Ground of my Being led me far and wide beyond the Pilgrimage to Calvary. The Roman Catholic formulation of religio as I understand it today is dogmatically explained with biblical myths and Christian paradigms such as: the Trinitarian [Father-Son-Spirit] heaven from eternity [absolute linkage] and graceful creation in history [partly de-linking], the shameful original sin and earthly exile for humankind [de-linking fully], the mysterious painful incarnation-redemption and joyful resurrection [partly re-linking], and in the end the parousaic heaven or hell for ever [re-linking or de-linking absolutely]. By means of a well-organized liturgico-sacramental spirituality, which is grounded in service of neighbor, this process of de-linking and re-linking is already initiated but not yet completed for the individual members of the Community of Believers in Christ.

This is a process which leaves much room for existential tension at the personal, communitarian and cosmic levels. Assuming responsibility for one's life with a commitment through suffering and death to resurrection leading to a judgement to either heaven or hell forever is, to say the least, anxiety-ridden for me as an individual. Belonging to a group of believers which advocates catholicity and professes to be all-inclusive, yet which is dogmatic, schismatic and riddled with heresies, presents another unhealthy conflict at the exoteric level. Experiencing life as a continuous warfare between matter and spirit as a result of my divided nature alienates me from the cosmos, where energy, matter, life and consciousness are constantly unfolding and enfolding in symbiotic, complementary [yin-yang] processes.

Caught within the clutches of this existential tension I am led to delve deeper into the philosophical [metaphysical and linguistic] and experiential basis of my adherence to, and the phenomenological interpretation of, the Church's belief systems and myths. This process increased my desire to unpack and unlearn the enslaving, perfectionistic, unhealthy and undigested elements of Christian life as well as the religious system and the spiritual myth advocated by the Roman Catholic Church, all of which were acquired by me at birth and formulated into My Rule of Life (SSS 680514) on the occasion of my first religious profession as a Salesian of Don Bosco on May 24, 1968 at The Retreat in Yercaud, South India.

Now I felt courageous to let go while venturing SIMPLY, [FREELY, FULLY] with joy! [EE1] My prayer life underwent a significant change. [EE2] I tried to harmonize my life while breathing in and out with the help of the seven-syllabic mantra, or crystal: Venturing SIMPLY, [FREELY, FULLY] with joy! [MC1] Gradually I began to realize that I was no longer controlled by the string from below. [DI17] I could notice with discerning clarity that I was blessed with a singular awareness about my life experiences having 'either Positive or Negative Energies' [DI8] and as being 'either Absolute or relative Reality/ies.' [DI10]

I faced life-threatening challenges [EE5] on my way to deeper inner transformation. As I ventured out into insecurity [EE10] in quest of a new identity with a deeper center I feared the 13th year as a risky one for my priesthood. [EE12] Various options taken and not-taken or to-be-taken exposed me to unprecedented tension, I experienced a heightened awareness of the duality in conflict within me [DI22] and I was led to plunge anew into the inner recesses of my personality in transition [EE18] from a dogmatic and life-negating outlook on religion encompassing a detached approach to spirituality to an integral one [EE19]. As I became aware of the various centers of psycho-spiritual energy in my body and acquired sufficient experiential knowledge to handle them, I was discovering further dimensions of my astral and subtle body. I beheld the two snakes carry on their dance around the magnetic spell cast by this resplendent crystal of transparency. [DI19]

4.2. Balancing the fiery golden sun and The silvery full moon with Christ

The fiery, golden sun was casting its long and dying shadows as it set beneath the western waves [VS3] of my intensely tense Roman Catholic upbringing, and the silvery full moon was gracefully smiling with winsome freshness in the eastern horizon above the immensity of waters in the Indian Ocean [VS4] when I heard Christ's challenge [DI6] to transcend the dualities. This was a new awakening to blend my experiences and perspectives with mystical traditions within-beyond Judeo-Christian religions. This was the call to experience authenticity in my life.

To love God this way is not difficult, it is being very SIMPLE! I do not need theories, methods, techniques and gadgets. I have TO BE SIMPLY MYSELF: TRUE and GENUINE in relating and loving with the heart. All the SAINTS have loved this way, with great simplicity, living their daily, simple, humble and unassuming lives involved in everyday chores. The greater the Saint the closer to God and the simpler his, or her, life. This is their CHALLENGE to me! (Simply, SSS 840430)

I like to label this challenge as the watery passage beyond the enslaving structures of legitimacy. This passage required that I answered the call to "Come, Walk on the waters with me," [VS7] thus seeking a new identity in Christ. [DI3] The center of my life [M3] at this stage was the authentic Jesus, the man who experienced fullness and yet lived a solitary life within-beyond accepted structures.

As I journeyed with this new center I was lost for a while, [DI4] and continue to be lost. I compare these periods or moments to be the dark night of my soul, an expression attributed to St. John of the Cross. At the beginning of 1989 I consciously chose to travel through a long and intense tunnel during which I was led to experience nothingness, as Visions of the Void. This is a profound and shattering experience in the valley of darkness which defies expression, transcends images of relativism and emptiness, and travels beyond history in the womb and the tomb.

It is impossible to describe the absolute nakedness of non-existence. I wonder whether the term self-annihilation could describe it adequately? I wonder whether it is a negative experience?

As I went and go through it, I thank the Ground of My Being and surrender whatever this experience may be, may mean or may demand. It has been an experience which is neither negative nor positive, while at the same time it has been both! While it is not possible to describe it, still I could attempt to offer some comparisons: like the burning, yet non-consuming fire at the bush experienced by Moses; like the deep anguish, yet the prayer of Job; like Kabirdas's pot with the water and in the water at the same time.

One image that still lingers on the screen of my memory is that of a hand that dips its finger in the ocean of water and allows a drop to fall back into the watery ocean from the raised hand. All that this drop can do is to allow a single bright ray of sunshine to glisten and make its watery prism sparkle like a radiant diamond with a million edges, before it finds its way downward into the immense watery grave! (LDW, Beyond, 67-73).

The mantras which helped me balance the various reminiscences at this stage gave me the courage to pray Father/Mother Brother/Sister Friend/Enemy, give thanks harmonize! [MC5] in order to be Arios, happy and free! [MC2] With loving thanks, I continued to surrender! [MC8] and With trust in You, Father/Mother Brother/Sister Friend/Enemy, I let go [MC11] my fears: of mistrust and self-diffidence, of doubt, shame and indecision, of guilt and childishness, of inferiority, unworthiness and inadequacy, of confusion, loss of identity and superficiality, of jealousy, isolation and lack of self-control, and of stagnation of the creative powers (Cian 1987).

With the help of spiritual guidance, provided by Fr. Herbert Alphonso with unprecedented expertise and regularity while in Rome, love once again scored a victory over the perfectionistic attitude [DI21] and I was led to discover my Personal Vocation or Self Direction (Van Kaam, 1976). This was an intense spiritual process which opened for me the enthusiastic energy of The Discerning Inner Eye of Harmony. [VS12] Now I was ready to travel beyond the beautiful, childlike-bubble of priesthood, the big religious-balloon of perfection and the precious vessel-of-clay filled with instinctual energies. Beyond the powerful-dam of spiritual restlessness I experienced the Gentle Stream of Compassion (V1 880330).

A generous, swift-flowing, deep stream of the waters of Christ's compassion, which for the first time flowed in human history from the hill of Calvary when as he lay dying, Christ said: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

As I conclude this Retreat and this hour of prayer, I go back to the origins of my existence, the moment of my conception, and surrender that moment of love in the lives of my parents to your graceful compassion; and as the swift yet graceful stream of my life begins to grow in my mother's womb and continues flowing I surrender every moment to your loving compassion, so that your love may make up for whatever was lacking in their expression. And as I keep growing and as the stream of my life keeps flowing from birth to baptism, from Aquem Baixo to Alto, from Margao to Pangim, to Lonavla, to Yercaud, to Bombay, to Bangalore, to Baroda, to Sulcorna and now to Rome, I ask you, oh my loving Jesus, to allow your loving compassion to forgive and heal whatever wrong others have done to me or I have done to others, thus harmonize my life stream and those who have come to or entered this stream. May the waters of your compassion keep constantly flowing and, while making me and others grow, may it glow with the beautiful, bright-blue of sorrow and pain converted into a silvery-white of glory; and with the burning-red of enthusiasm, anger, love, passion into a glorious-golden fire of love, of zeal for souls! Thanks! Dhinvastam Tuka mojea Deva!

As I continue with the process of balancing the various dimensions of my personality I am glad that the energies of detachment [distrust-hate-hostility] and attachment [trust-love-creativity] find a newer balance in my life [EE20] with Christ as the best known expression of mystical consciousness in my life up to now. My dance on the waters of authenticity within legitimacy makes me recall how on June 20, 1989, the day of my departure from Rome, I was privileged to concelebrate with Pope John Paul II at the Chiesa Madre del Redentore in the Vatican [EE9]. It was a glorious experience comparable to the ecstatic and euphoric Eucharistic concelebration with the Rector Major of the Salesians at the Universita' Salesiana in Rome at the closing ceremony of the death centenary of St. John Bosco [1815-1888] on January 25, 1989, which I entitled A Drop of Water Like a Dazzling Diamond (LDW, Like, 12-16).

After communion my heart knew no bounds as the tiny dazzling drop entered my heart, which began to explode and expand covering at first my whole body and later permeating the whole infinite universe. It was indeed filled with God's infinite love!

This tiny drop of water has been following me all over the planet. On November 18, 1992 while at the birthplace of Jesus Christ it reappeared and I was awakened anew to the harmonious song of the angels at the birth of Christ [EE22] with GLORY (V5 921202), which sums up my experience of the Authentic Jesus in Bethlehem. [DI23]

4.3. FOCUSING ON THE small wave of relativity in the infinite ocean

My journey takes another turn inward as it seeks a new center. My experience of the drop of water takes me downward and outward into the ocean. Here the drop is no longer a single drop but acquires a new identity and becomes a wave, one with the immensity of the watery waves like at the confluence of the waters at Cape Comorin in South India. [VS2]

As I left Cape Comorin in South India after bathing at the confluence of all the seas and rivers of India I felt the need to be tiny, tranquil, transient and transparent "like a drop of water" in the Indian ocean. This is the challenge I experienced "within" this watery womb, which was also the tomb for all my securities, including a certain type of religious living. These dynamic and synergetic vibrations of deep insecurity [detachment : renunciation : freedom] necessary for living a holistic, contemporary, futuristic, planetary spirituality "within and beyond" religions have been following me.

All that matters to me here and now is simply, freely and fully to be alive and aware, to accept, appreciate, affirm and acknowledge the genuine, creative and harmonious relationship of LOVE between the CREATOR, me [a creature] and every other creature in this vast, beautiful and wonderful UNIVERSE! (LDW, Presentation, i-vii).

Now my journey with the Christ of Delight within-beyond religion continues absolutizing or relativizing the positive and negative energies [DI12] with the discerned option beyond a religious Salesian of Don Bosco! [DI13] I realize with unprecedented insight that I am a small wave of relativity in the infinite ocean of Love [VS14] seeking the fullness of integration, genuineness and happiness (LDW, Like, 2).

Much courage is required for me to live the challenge: "merge your individualism in the great march of history!" [DI7] and join in the dance of the cosmos. I become aware of the future which lies unfolded in the enfolding dream for 9-9-99 [DI9] and accordingly accept to live my life and make the difference. [DI20] It is mysteriously funny, yet graciously wonderful [DI11] how the divine leads, for I trusted that if God so wished, He would lead me. [EE11] With deep serenity and trust I was led to draft [and forward] letters to my Provincial in Bombay, [EE7] to the Rector Major in Rome and to other significant members of my family and among my friends. I shared with them my uncertainty and sought their cooperation and confirmation in living out my discerned option (PRL, Share, 74-81).

I found myself venturing with rooted openness to seek a deeper and more universal, holistic, mystical and futuristic outlook. [EE13] I thanked the Ground of my Being, Consciousness and Bliss for all gifts received, [EE21] especially for allowing me to experience dad's death at home in Goa as freedom for him as well as for me. [EE6] From the heights of Sears' Tower in Chicago I was able to visualize the mighty Tower of Power, now transformed into Showers of Blessings, become one with the Almighty in my life. [VS8]

Amidst tears of loss and sorrow mummy hugged me tight with these words in Portuguese: "Ariosto..ai!..ai! Meu filho,.. Pai ja foi embora..aai! aai!" While I shared in her sorrow and in our common loss, I reassured her and every one at home that dad was in Abraham's bosom enjoying the delights once described by St. Paul as being indescribable. That evening our hearts were burning as everyone vied with one another to describe to me their experience of dad's last minutes before he was peacefully called to heaven, and later as he was pompously laid to rest, for the last time, in the house that he had built thirty-three years earlier. As they described to me dad's last ceremonial journey from the house to the church, I could hear the wheels of the hearse move to the slow rhythm of the many sobbing sighs. I could also visualize the twenty-two concelebrating priests, the many male and female religious, and the motley gathering of relatives, neighbours and other faithful that were present to bid adieu to this staunch son of the Navelim Church. Finally I could see him being gradually lowered into the ancestral resting place, and breathe the sweet fragrance of that wreath with as many white ribbons as his children, that was gently placed by the side of the golden cross on his tomb. My most unexpected and sudden visit home coincided with the thirtieth day Mass, scheduled for December 5, at 5 pm. All that I could share during this Eucharistic Concelebration were the showers of blessings that daddy had generously bestowed on me by miraculously bringing me home, all the way from Rome. (LDW, 38 UP, 36-45).

As the power of the transformation of metaphors and symbols continued, the center of the mandala [M4] of my life at this stage was unfolded by a dream image on the eve of my dad's 91st birthday. I dreamt of a beautiful lady dressed in a translucent and transparent, silky-white-muslin-yellow, freely flowing gown with many frills [VS17].

She is my Sakti - the manifestation of my energy to create, integrate and harmonize blissfully with my Siva dimensions as I continue dancing the Hymn to Harmony Within and Beyond Horizons!! Lila!!! (DD 910225).

OM! LILA! SANTI! LILA! [MC13] is the prayer mantra that accompanies my cosmic dance which is mysteriously funny [MC6] yet graciously wonderful. [MC7] The words of Mother Theresa of Calcutta "Guide and use me, as/when You will!" [MC9] enable me to harness the energy of the free child in me as I continue to give thanks and harmonize! [MC12]

In another significant dream I find myself holding an exquisitely beautiful new silvery-gold chalice. [VS15]

I tried to bring lucidity into this dream as I harmoniously connected myself with the Ground of my Being in prayerful meditation. As I recalled and relived the most significant and energetic part of the dream which focused on the "chalice", I was carried thousands of miles away to the confluence of the waters of the rivers, bays and seas into the Indian Ocean.

NOW I found myself immersed in the waters enjoying the sunset at Cape Comorin on February 13, 1987. The fiery, golden sun was casting its long and dying shadows as it set beneath the western waves. The silvery full moon was gracefully smiling with winsome freshness in the eastern horizon above the immensity of waters in the Indian Ocean. As I gently let myself into these waters I was one with the countless drops of the ocean. I was lost for a while, AND I recalled the two transparent-silvery-gold, nebulous symbols that danced on the screen of my mind.

NOW, one of these symbols suddenly, almost from nowhere, became alive to me in the form of "a chalice dazzling like a diamond" with a billion edges whose glow was more fiery than that of the shining sun, and whose radiance was mellower and fresher than that of the winsomely smiling moon. I was now in the highest heavens! As I unfold one of the layers of the metaphor of "the chalice dazzling like a diamond" and the accompanying exhilaration, and seek to map its impact on the map of my life at the cross-roads, I become aware that I am experiencing a new birth once again. This creative option comes as a confirmation to my choice and commitment to direct my energies and studies to enter the Ph.D. in the Philosophy and Religion Program at the California Institute of Integral Studies. (DD 900307).

While I continue to be a witness to the fascinating transformation of the non-existing shaft into a bright, shining and silvery glass-cylinder that stretches from my navel to my heart [EE15], the frozen soil of my life gets loose and ready for the next leap of re-organization of beliefs while de-linking and re-linking. Hence forward I fly like a white kite in the sky [VS16].

4.4. like a bell vibrating all over WITH RENEWED TRANSFORMATION

My latest mandala [M7] unfolds the enfolding of a number of previous painful-playful mandalas with newer, deeper and more shadowy energies in the spiral of stillness and harmony. [EE23] The light within unfolded as the mother of all my mandalas. [DI24] I began to find greater focus, healing and delight as I gave up imposed reflective meditation and opted to vibrate reflexively. [DI1] The R/real's in Harmony! [DI2] I feel myself harmoniously vibrating with transparency! [DI15] I am dancing in God's hands while experiencing Lila, [DI16] my goddess [of cosmic love]! She is my Sakti [DI18] leading me to take life simply, freely and fully as it comes. [DI25]

November 26, 1988 - Today [the last day of the liturgical year] I have a deep, unprecedented inner experience that offers me relief from the many blocks and hurts of the past and I feel happy and free to make newer, freer and more conscious personal choices, including that of my personal vocation. (LDW, Like, 3-8).

This enlightening experience was definitely a supernatural grace which was preceded by months and years of intense search for genuineness. [EE8] It led me to find new centers and accept the goddesses of 'intuition and creativity' and 'transformation and recognition' as in [M5] and [M6]. These experiences are descending towards me and restfully standing close to me without leaving me. [EE14] I heard divinity within-beyond encouraging me to [EE16] integrate my life with the new awarenesses, balances and centering mantras: The R/real's in Harmony! [MC3] Simply, freely, joyfully! [MC10] OM! LILA! SANTI! LALI! [MC14] OM! VIVA! SANTI! LALI! [MC15] and OM! VIVA! SANTI! MOIMA! [MC16]. My deep inner feelings at this juncture are

like a crystal-clear stream of limpid, fresh, flowing, sweet waters leisurely meandering in gentle, gay and grateful abandon.

like the fresh, fragrant, inviting, sweet perfume of a single, simple jasmine flower in full bloom.

like the delicious and refreshing taste of fresh lime juice stirred with sweet sugar crystals with water and ice.

like the clear, deep, individual, metallic, swift notes emanating from a harp harmoniously blending with the mellow, melodious strains flowing from a bamboo flute.

like the reviving and resplendent ray of the early morning sun during Spring, piercing its glorious glow from beyond the horizon and bursting forth into myriad rays from a single, insignificant dew drop on a blade of grass. (LDW, Beyond, 11).

Like a very powerful stroke of lightning I experienced ecstasy [VS9] and like a tiny, tranquil, transient and transparent drop of water in the Ocean, I let go. [VS6] As I gently let myself into these waters I was one with the countless drops of the ocean [VS5] and was led to write Like a Drop of Water being Pierced by a Ray of Light! [VS10] which manifests the unfolding of a new and amazing language in the midst of a maze of languages.

As I let the mystic in me flow through that personal stream of my life where integration, creativity and harmony are possible, I see a new language emerge. This language is both universal and personal! It is uniquely mine yet available to all. It is the language of relativity at the crossroads. It is the language of the heart! It is the language of intimate silence. It is the language where there are no boundaries, but only limit texts! It is that language about which Paul of Tarsus writes to the Corinthians. (V4 910626).

My relentless journey still continues both like a tiny, tranquil, transient and transparent drop of water in the Ocean being pierced by a ray of light and love! [VS19] and like the pot in the well with water inside and outside as described by the mystic poet Kabirdas. [VS11] As I experience communion I become like a bell vibrating all over [VS13] and I continue living life unfolding the gift of unending Revelation within-beyond Philosophy, Psychology and Spirituality. [EE17]

Chapter 6: Conclusion

Moima! The Dance of Delight